Alright. I admit it. All of our regular listeners know. I have autophobia – no, that doesn’t mean I am afraid of ’57 Chevy’s. It means I am afraid of being alone. So I have had regular nightmares about it off an on since the event that caused it. These usually involve the loss of a loved one.
So it was that a rather unusual result of a recent addition to Skyrim by way of a mod left me a bit unnerved.
I had downloaded a Skyrim mod called “marriage mod” whose sole purpose was to enhance the marriage experience in Skryim by way things like themed guests at the event, and a party afterwards. But when I loaded the mod after already having been married in Skyrim a rather odd thing happened….
I went to Whiterun only to discover my dear spouse there in the street.
“Hello love it’s good to see you” came the usual greeting. At that point my virtual “better half” started to back away down the street as I heard “If you need me I will be right here.”
Not the sort of thing you want to hear when your greatest fear is being left alone.
I deleted the mod. Problem solved. On to the next bug – a bard stuck on a porch.
The bard I hired after having built Lakeview Manor in Skyrim was fine at first. Then came the day I found him on the porch. And there he stood….the next day, and the next, and the next and the next.
No matter what I did I couldn’t get him off the porch.
So I fired him.
I thought I would be able to hire him back afterwards. After all, as he disappeared he said “If you have need of my services again, just tell your steward.” I went back to the Steward but no option to rehire was in the offering. So I reloaded the save game and tried again, this time calling the bard back. He was delighted to be rehired and said “we will just call this a misunderstanding between friends.” And there he stood. Right where I stopped him. Once again,not moving day, after day, after day.
So I looked for a solution on the web and found one as follows:
“Go outside and kill the cow. Go inside and then outside and wait for the cow’s body to disappear. Then go inside and ask your Steward to rehire the bard.”
It occurred to me to wonder what sort of bizarre circumstances must have lead someone to discover this. Oddly enough it worked – sort of. I had the option to rehire the bard but he never showed up. So I tried a console command called “player.placeatme.” Oh that brought the rehired bard back again…both of him. You see the way the console command works is not to summon the npc to you but rather create a second one. Now I had to identical twin bards.
So I went back reloaded the safe save again. This time I tried various console commands but none work save for the version that produced identical twin bards. Having now had many sets of identical twin bards in my common room I was more than just a bit frustrated.
I went back to the safe save.
I tried the cow trick again.
I used the player.placeatme console command and waited for the twin bards to appear…
…and then I hit one of the twin bards with my dragon bone mace just as hard as I could.
As momentarily satisfying as this outburst may have been it only resulted in a bounty in a nearby town. This is not so bad, as just like in the real world, in Skyrim the authorities can easily be paid off. What this also resulted in, however, was a dead bard in the middle of the floor.
So I waited for the body to disappear.
“Perhaps if I take all the clothes off” I thought. I tried it and waited. Now this at first may seem odd but it had worked in another game. But not this one. The only result was a dead naked body in the middle of the floor. So I looked for ways to get rid of the body. The best advice I could find was to “use x or a” to grab the body and drag it to a nearby creek.”
I thought briefly about dragging the body and stuffing it under the stairs. Then I remembered the sage advice of W.C. Fields. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. Don’t be a damn fool about it.”
So I gave up.
The bard is still there stuck on the porch. All I know is that his days are numbered. Somehow, some way, he is a dead bard walking.